Friday, August 7, 2015

To my dearest little brother,

For this Sunday, it's been 2 years and 4 months since you left us for good. It's been a rough 2 years. I'm doing better as long as I don't talk about you or see our memories. Aren't I making progress? I did the mistake of going through your photos yesterday, and memories were refreshed. You'll never leave my heart. How can I forget the person I loved the most?! You knew that and you still left me. I feel like I've failed to be a good sister. I couldn't save you from anything that happened to you. 

I wasn't even with you for the last two years.
If only I made a serious effort to come see you when you begged for me to come, a week before you left. I came to see you anyway, but then all I got to see was your ashes in a pot. I'm sorry, I didn't come to see you that time. You told me you'll come to see me in August that year. Nothing matters anymore. 

I remember every little incident that made you cry. If I had known that we had very little time together I would have never made you cry. I would have even let you borrow my things, even if I don't like anybody touching my things. When the depression hit you hard, I prayed god to take you sooner. I couldn't see you suffer. Every time you got violent, I sat outside and cried. I didn't know what to do. 

I wanted you to get better sooner, and call me 'akki.' That's the only thing I wanted. Some days your voice over the phone raised my hopes up, but some days you had hit the rock bottom. But, you were always the sweetest kid I ever knew. You gave me the best hugs ever. 

Even when you had social anxiety, you still bravely sat at my wedding. Because you knew it was important to me. I was very proud of you that day. I still am. 
You were very brave. You conquered a lot of things in life and finally found peace. But, I love you and miss you like crazy. I know I'm being selfish to not to let you go. You are mine. You are my sweet little brother forever. 
I Love you malli,